Caged Emotions .
- naveli
- Nov 10, 2020
- 5 min read
We were strolling under the starry night sky and talking about life when he abruptly turned towards me and asked me if I was — proud of what I’ve accomplished in life ?
. I blacked out for a moment and when I regained senses all I could think of was “Whatta stereotypical question to ask somebody like me ! “ .
And by somebody like me , I refer to a person who has been through more failures in life than success . From failed tests to failed relationships I’ve been through all and in my opinion I’m a certified loser , intellectually . I always have people come up to me and tell me “ Failures are a stepping stone toward success “ and all those Walt Disney stuff but guess life isn’t really a fairy tale . Starting from middle school when I had just realised Santa wasn’t real , everything started looking like a terrible nightmare and I just Couldn’t wait for it to end , to wake up . Little did I know that life was a dream until then and the present was the reality I wasn’t ready for . As a middle school student I always struggled to find my own identity , I saw my friends taking part in athletics , some were into dancing and some were already cracking computer codes ! Where did I stand ? In my school , going to the counsellor was a big taboo , so I couldn’t get the help from a professional . In return I just waited , waited to become who I was . With time I became somebody everybody wanted to be friends with , with reasons so not obvious , ‘ my liberal thoughts’! Who would’ve known I would be defined from the way I think ?! Not me. Likewise I didn’t know that you’ll not be liked by everyone after all . The kids liked me but the teachers who’s support I need the most in my schooling years , considered me infamous for not knowing my boundaries . They wouldn’t skip a second to bash me where they’d be getting a chance to bring me down . It was for then, that I started running from things I should’ve faced . PROBLEMS . I wasn’t taught how to face them , because after all my mentors became the most major one with time . I had no one so I Turned to my friends , who had always supported me in every mistake I made , kids after all . By high school I realised that those weren’t real either . That was when I faced real betrayal and back stabbing capabilities of people who you’d take a bullet for . I had no one .. I started questioning myself , if I was the real problem .
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I was in grade 11 when I started thinking about a lot of thing . Thinking often leads you to turning to a different path — so I did , which I shouldn’t have . I felt like I was swimming in an ocean of blood which was dripping down from my own body . The pain wasn’t physical but mental . All I would think of each day was “ where is blue whale when you actually need it ?” I had no one . I turned to a different person . I failed a grade , went to hibernation for a year with my constantly decaying mental stability . By 12th I was somebody who no one knew , From a 4th grader , who’s favourite colour was light pink and favourite song was ‘love story’ by Taylor Swift ,to somebody who’s now sitting in the garage, smoking her lungs out while listening to hard metal because it gave a sensation as if she was constantly banging her head on a wall and it surprisingly felt relieving . I changed , I changed so much that I started seeing it for myself now . After all this ive been going through on the inside, I was the same me outside , I had managed the art of fooling people , so. Everybody was denial of my actual state . By 25 I was married . Sharing a house with someone with all the inner flaws I’ve hiding throughout my life was the biggest challenge . And the worst of all , I didn’t meet him on the subway and fell in love with him as soon as we locked eyes . He was a friend of friend . A friend who didn’t know the real me either . A set up trap twas’ . Within 7 months I found myself being stuck in a relationship in which I had been abused so much that it would compensate for my prior 25 years easily . Still I was proved wrong , not even a year and he was gone too , like everybody else in my life . I was no more outgoing , I lost the pretentious side of me as well, I didn’t have the energy . I attempted to take my own life thrice , and I failed , every time somebody would either walk in or something would happen that Would stop me . I EVEN TRIED TO WORK , because I needed money to keep going on the wrong path which I chose years ago . And maybe I was addicted too . My life kept taking so many devastating turns that now I just laid unbothered about every little thing that mattered once .

I am 27 now , not moving on the wrong path anymore , neither on the right . My mind is still full of everything from the past but I always try to get past it . I am not anymore revolving around the same things . I’m sure you want to know what exactly happened to make things a little better ? The answer is , Nothing . Its just a myth that you need medium , I have changed now and maybe tomorrow I will be the same again . I don’t take life for granted but I’ve let life take me . I have given up on so many things but tried to hold onto so many . Maybe it makes a difference , maybe it does not . I still think of killing myself as I know for a fact I’m just a burned on the Planet but writing this down right now ,is also one of the “somethings” that keep me from doing it . I amd and will be be hurt forever , the scars will always hurt when touched and you will never know who’s fault was it after all .. . SO if you ask me if I’m “ PROUD OF WHAT I’VE ACCOMPLISHED IN LIFE “ — I am not because I haven’t accomplished anything , but instead I’m proud that I’m still breathing !
XO
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